Day One

Dear God,

For 5 days I am coming before you. I should be doing this always, but I find my thoughts so fragmented, my ideas so slippery, that I cannot seem to focus long enough to pray. Except for those short, beseeching arrow prayers that have no actual form, that are really just more of an inarticulate cry.

Lord, I can no longer tell what things are from you and what things are born of my own selfishness and fear.  Am I being wise, or am I being disobedient in the most rationalizing way I can muster? Those weeks, Lord, last May, when I hid from you because I was so afraid of obeying....those I can now see were all ME. I can see so clearly how I ran from you like Jonah from Ninevah. And in some ways I have been in my own fish for the last 7 months.

It's dark in here, Lord. More than ever I can sense the smallness of the life I have created for myself. Remember that scene in the Last Battle? Where the dwarves were sitting in the middle of paradise, but to their eyes they were in a tiny shed, dark and hemmed in, trapped? That's me. I've made myself a shed that I am afraid to leave. It's small, but I know it well. It doesn't throw me any curve balls, but it doesn't hold any surprises either. What's more, I can sense that there's more outside of it than in. That if I could open the door, could step out, amazing things might happen. Will happen. But I'm not sure what the door is. Or where it is. And to be honest, I'm afraid of the amazing things a little. Or a lot.

Why am I afraid?  Change. All my life, uncontrolled change has gripped me with fear. If I can't predict it, map it, plan for it, extrapolate, it fills me with anxiety. I know. Trust is hard for me. But I am afraid of you, too, Lord. Of not pleasing you, of angering you, or exasperating you. I'm afraid you will leave me, throw up your hands in disgust and be done with me. My husband says this is a false idea. I believe him. But the feelings are still there.

The adoption thing won't fully leave me. I still harbor this crazy idea that the little boy I think now you had selected for us will somehow appear on a list somewhere and we will be able to have another chance.  I feel so clearly that we should do this, should adopt, when I am in church, when I am praying, when I am reading my Bible. Other times I feel more fearful, more like there is just no way I can ever do it, fearful as I am of the unknown.

Five days of prayer. Today is just me trying to lay out where I am . Lost. Wandering. Confused. I feel alone, though I am pretty sure that's because I have moved away from you and not the other way around.  So I am back, God. I just want to sit at your feet and be. I want the noise in my head to fall away so I can hear you clearly. I want to be able to discern what is from you and what isn't. I want my path to be clear.

Lord, you are holy and perfect, you are slow to anger (thank you for that) and abounding in mercy (and for that, too). There is nothing too difficult for you and you have promised not to leave us or forsake us ever. I am so grateful that you love me, that I am yours no matter how I fail and fail and fail again.

Lord, help me hear your voice. Help me believe only what is true and help me see the lies for what they are. Five days, Lord. Show me what you want me to do.

Love,
me