Library Rage

Went to a special storytelling time at our local library when the kids' host from our local PBS station was speaking. The kids were so fired up about the library after his talk that we got in line so they could sign up for their own library cards. This was when my baby decided to stage a revolt. She screamed, she writhed in my arms, she shouted "DOWN DOWN DOWN!" until I finally let her stand next to me.

That's when she bolted.

Naturally, the five year old thought it was a game and took off after her, so I grabbed my oldest, said firmly (and loudly) "Stay right here!" and went after them.

I got back 30 seconds later to find that the woman who had been behind me had taken my spot. That's right, she CUT IN FRONT OF A 7-YEAR OLD.

I mean, come on -- what is so rushy rushy that you have to CUT IN FRONT OF A 7-YEAR OLD to complete? And don't go fooling yourselves that she thought I wasn't coming back. If you've ever met me, you'll know that I am not blessed with a soft and gentle voice. My voice CARRIES, especially if I am trying to impress upon one of my children that I expect complete obedience to whatever I'm saying. And since my baby was putting on a circus sideshow for the benefit of everyone in line, there is no chance at all that she wasn't watching, in the same way we can't help looking at a traffic accident when we drive by it on the highway.

I was beyond mad when I got back; for a mother (she was with two quiet, well-behaved girls) to so utterly betray another mom like that...it just floored me. To be so lost to any sense of decency or fair play... I wanted very badly to say something to her, to at least make her acknowledge that she had CUT IN FRONT OF A 7-YEAR OLD, but since I was with my children I chose to keep silent. I thought it was more important for them to see me handle it all with whatever grace I could muster, rather than watch me go off on a total stranger. And that total stranger very assiduously avoided any eye contact with me as she left the library. Oh yeah, she knew exactly what she'd done.

So lady, wherever you are, I hope you're happy with yourself. I hope, too, that as you're lying in bed tonight, replaying the events of your day, you realize with blinding clarity that you modeled a complete disregard for other humans in front of your daughters; a total lack of principle, compassion and integrity that I seriously and uncharitably hope comes back to bite you in the very near future. You taught them a big lesson today. Way to go, champ.

It's Not Easy, Being Green

Especially when the grocery store is out of the permanent bags. But, Hallelujah and Save the World, they got them back in at last and I was finally able to purchase 8 and I test drove them at Target today.

Although I felt a little self-conscious walking into the store with them (and I was the only person who brought her own)I can't overstate how virtuous I felt leaving the store with my four green bags, full of Target goodies, not a scrap of flimsy plastic bag to be seen anywhere. Since i have now been to Target 3 times this week, it was good to know that at least this time I didn't contribute to landfill issues and marine life endangerment any more than I had to. As a bonus, these bags are kind of pretty. They're that lovely acid-apple color that I so long to find in bath towels. Yummy. And my children, who were with me, will soon come to see this behavior as entirely normal and expected: you shop, you bring your own bags.

Obviously I've pulled out of my nervous breakdown of about a week ago and am feeling somewhat better. That would be because WE SOLD THE OTHER HOUSE. Praise God and what a relief. In just 4 weeks that house will be someone else's to mow, trim, rake, scrape, paint, mop, dust and vacuum. I will miss it because it was our first house, the house we brought all our babies home to, the house where I created my first really fabulous garden. But I will not miss the financial, emotional and physical strain of trying to maintain two places. The couple purchasing it is expecting a baby in September and that makes me especially happy -- I like to think of another family starting out in our little house.

What a difference changing realtors made. Our new realtors had very savvy tips about what to fix, repaint, tidy and change and although we probably spent about $2000 (including repainting the exterior) it was more than worth it when the house was only on the market 36 hours before we got an offer. Sure wish we'd signed with them from the outset. Then we might not have sat on the house for 9 months.

Sold. What a great word.

Dark Night

full of dark thoughts. Maybe it's the stress of maintaining two houses and paying multiple mortgages/utilities, but I feel like I'm going to crack. I can sort of hold it together during the day, but at night, especially when I'm alone, I feel like a piece of china teetering on the edge of the shelf.

My own version of Sundowner Syndrome.

Worse, my body has decided to get into the shattering act: I have random pains, shortness of breath, headaches. And I keep waking up in the morning with my teeth clenched together so tightly that I can now confidently say I know what lockjaw feels like. It hurts.

Each night when I turn off my light I have a moment of pure panic. What if I can't sleep? What if I lie here, tossing for hours, frying my brain with sleep deprivation so that I can't function as a mom tomorrow? So far I am sleeping okay, but the fear that I won't is all too present.

And really, I am just barely keeping it all going during the day. I can do the bare minimum for survival -- laundry, cooking, enough cleaning to keep the the really egregious dirt at bay -- but I'm not setting any landspeed records for anything and I am overwhelmed by anything not strictly critical to keeping the family bus moving.

I am so tired. Tired of feeling so swamped, tired of the continual frisson of worry about whether the house will finally sell and how we're going to pay the shortfall when it does, tired of the aches and pains and the nagging little fears that they bring with them. Going to St. Louis -- to not be here for a few days -- was so great. It was like being allowed to step out of a very painful skin for a while. But now we're back and it's night and I'm alone and I'm worried, worried, worried.

It's gotten to the point where Tim and I can't really talk about how stressed we are by all of this. It's not productive, for one thing, and it only leads to discussions about how much we still have to do on the old house, which makes me feel even more depressed. It's the elephant in the living room that we very much know is there but which we are tired of exclaiming over.

I think on some level that I'm depressed. No, I know I am. I don't know if it's bad enough for clinical intervention, but it's certainly bad enough for me to admit that I am there -- down and not sure I feel like getting up again. This holding pattern that we're in with two houses has forced us to postpone all sorts of things -- our getaway weekend (we've had one in the last 8 years and were really hoping for another one this past fall. Didn't happen), any and all work on the new house, any major purchases like a playset for the backyard, a kitchen table, a new couch, desperately needed new blinds for several rooms...all on the back burner indefinitely.

I just want to feel like a normal, healthy, functioning, capable person again. Not like a bundle of agitated, irritated, stretched-to-the-breaking-point nerves.

Home of the Free and the Beer

I am not a beer drinker, but I want to make a little plug here for Anheuser-Busch, which is in the midst of a nasty takover bid by In-Bev, some nutty Belgian firm who's trying to buy them. Beyond the fact that I'm having trouble imagining all the clydesdales relocating to Brussells, there's the very big issue of all the great stuff A-B does in St. Louis, where we recently spent 5 days of vacation.

If you've never vacationed in St. Louis, you might not know that A-B generously supports all manner of nifty stuff there, like our favorite tradition, Grant's Farm, which is a zoo/animal park much beloved by kids and parents alike. And it's free. As in no cost at all. You do have to pay to park, but it's $10 per car -- we took 7 people in for $10. You can park a bus for $25. No matter how you average that out, it's a cheap date. But a very, very fun cheap date. And in case you're wondering, it's a small zoo, but classy. There are elephants and parrots and giant tortoises and capybaras and camels and eagles and llamas and other nifty stuff. And it's free. FREEEEEEEEE. When you're tired of looking at the animals or bottle feeding the baby goats, you can go to the beer garden and Mom and Dad can have 2 free beverages each, all of the alcoholic kind -- various beers and hard lemonade. Or you can buy frozen lemonade or dippin'dots or whatever turns your crank.

And all this is compliments of the good folks at Anheuser-Busch.

Here's some other great free stuff in St. Louis:

The St. Louis Zoo -- world class and totally free (pay to park)

The Science Center -- twice the size of our science center where we pay $8 to get in and this one is FREE.

The Arch Museum -- you have to pay to ride to the top of the arch, but the Westward Expansion Museum is free and very cool with hands-on demonstrations for kids throughout the day.

Costs Money but Worth It:

Missouri Botanical Center -- this is the former Shaw's Gardens and it's just lovely. Check out the cool victorian hedge maze and the Japanese bridge. Neat display garden for home gardeners and nice displays of daylilies.

Minor Rip offs:

The City Museum -- holy cow, is this an expensive attraction. $12 per person, regardless of age. $6 more if you want to see the aquarium. Usually very crowded and VERY loud. Lots of signs warning you to use the exhibits at your own risk. People do get injured. This is really designed for kids 10 and up.

The Busch Stadium Store -- skip this if you're looking for Cardinal gear. Try a Target, Kohl's, Penney's or Wal Mart instead and pay about 1/2 what you'd pay here. Or just go a few miles up the street to Union Station, a big mall with not much in it unless your hungry. However, they have 2 nice Cardinals stores, including one just for kids.

I can't think of a better place to take the family.