Day 5

Dear God,

I re-read a bit of my stuff from the last 4 days and you know what? I talk too much.

Father, I don't fully understand grace. I am trying. I am trying to understand this gift, which comes to me in spite of the myriad ways I fail you on a daily basis. It feels like I should have to do something. Like if I can mind my p's and q's (or even find my p's and q's) that I will be more worthy of your love. And yet, I know that I am never going to be worthy.

I am wondering if it was a mistake to read Isaiah this week.  Isaiah is hard. It's obscure, it's symbolic, a little incoherent in spots, not easily relatable to where I am at right now. And it is mainly (I think -- I'm only 5 chapters in) about repenting before judgement comes. Judgement I understand; do this or suffer I get completely. It's grace I am struggling with.

Wednesday we went and saw Les Mis in the theatre. Now, I've seen Les Mis on the stage twice, and listened to the soundtrack any number of times. I thought I knew that musical inside and out and I was going to the movie because I wanted to see this particular interpretation. But what struck me, what I think I never really noticed before, was the theme of grace that runs throughout the play. One man shows grace to Jean Valjean -- grace absolutely undeserved, grace in the face of blatant sin -- and that grace changes everything. It sends Jean Valjean on a completely different path, it remakes him as a person, he is reborn as a new being: "the old has gone, the new has come."

And the grace ripples outward: because of the first act of grace, Jean Valjean extends grace to Fantine, to Cosette, to the man who is arrested in Valjean's name, to the poor of Paris, to Marius at the barricades, even to his enemy Javert, whom he sets free instead of killing, knowing that Javert will never stop hunting him, knowing that freeing him means he himself will be imprisoned again.

Grace is a force. If a person can accept it, it changes everything. If one cannot accept it, as Javert cannot, he is destroyed.  How to accept? How to take it in on a soul level? Brennan Manning says "Do nothing. Just accept that you are accepted. " In another quote from somewhere he says (in Latin) "in loving me, you made me lovable."

My heart is so weak, my fears (though much calmed yesterday -- thank You) are still very much in evidence. I can feel my own weakness hovering on the edges of my consciousness, waiting to rush in, to drown me.  Remember when we bought this house, Lord? Remember how I very nearly broke down when we made the offer and then went on a 3 day crying-jag? Remember how paralyzed I was when we moved? How I only barely functioned for the first year we lived here? That was a dark, dark place. And I can still see it from here. And it is what I fear most right now. The possibility that I may end up back there terrifies me.

I am trying to balance this against what I think you are calling us to do. I think we are back to the question "will you adopt him?" and I want to be the sort of person who says yes and runs uninhibited toward the future with nary a backward glance. But I am not that person, however much I would like to delude myself. I look back a lot, I am so very good at extrapolating every possible scenario, particularly the ones that spiral straight into the pit of despair. I have so much fear. How do I accept that I am accepted? How do I trust that you are good, that you will not let me go, that your strength is made perfect in weakness -- because this isn't weakness, it's weakness.   This is a boat full of holes that you are asking to put to sea. And no sails. And the oars are lost. I'm not seaworthy, Lord. Do you know that?

I know, I know: "My strength is made perfect in weakness."

Lord, there's still a lot of noise in my head. I ask still that you bind Satan. That all the ideas and fears and crazy thoughts that aren't from you would be banished in the name of Jesus. I ask that you would fill me with your Spirit -- the Spirit which is not of fear, "but of power and love" (2 Timothy 1:7). I need power and love here so I can offer grace.  And I pray for my husband, that he would be a leader here, a prop to me and that we wouldn't feed each other's fears but lift each other up and encourage one another. I need assurance, Lord, that you won't leave me lonely on this.   I need courage. Guts, grit, moxie.

Love,

me