And Along with Entropy Came

guilt, pain, and sorrow. The perfect trifecta of failure.

Hindsight is 20/20, my mother always says, and in this case she is so very right. I know -- I knew -- God was speaking to us. I couldn't pick up a devotional or hear a sermon that didn't reiterate over and over "trust ME."  I could barely read a blog that didn't hammer home the same point. Again and again and again.

How arrogant of me, how wilfully obtuse, to say I wasn't sure what God wanted me to do. I might as well have stuck my fingers in my ears and sung 'La la la, I Can't Hear You."

Most galling, most humiliating, is that this is the second time I've done this.

But, you say, God is loving and kind, his mercies are new every morning. True dat. But I am wallowing a bit right now and not ready to cut myself any slack.  I need to really feel this; grieve it, even. I am broken right now over my sin. And I think being broken in this way is not necessarily a bad thing.  And yes, God knew how I (we) would react in this situation. This hasn't caught him off guard. Me it walloped upside the head, but God already knew about the fault lines in my character, my faith, my heart.

San Andreas, baby. So big, and so unstable.

But there is hope. It's buried right now, but I know it's there, even though I can't see it or feel it. God promises he will "redeem the years the locust has eaten." Ha (and you can make that a bitter, cynical 'ha' if you like). I thought that verse, which has been swimming around in my head for about a month now, was about adoption. Turns out it was about me.  God knew I was going to need some assurance that I am not entirely ready for the scrap heap just yet.

Will we adopt? I don't know. I am really murky on this one, mainly because I was more invested in this one particular child than I realized or wanted to admit. The question has really been "will you adopt him?" And now that door appears to be firmly shut. If you wait long enough, if you waffle and procrastinate and fail to decide, God will find someone to fulfill his purposes  in your place.  So take that, Sir Lather of Indecision - you've been punked.

So where do I go now? Nowhere. I am going to sit with my sackcloth and ashes for a while yet. For whatever reason, I have to fully experience this. Maybe it's necessary so I can die to my self-life all over again. I see now, really see with sharp, painful clarity, that this is a process I am going to struggle with until I am with Him. 

Entropy

Confused emotions right now. Second chances have evaporated because we couldn't get on the same page long enough to do anything. Instead we did what I hate about us most: we dithered around, talked it all sideways, hemmed, hawed, extrapolated, worried, waffled and did nothing.

We looked at this opportunity and instead of taking it, we slid back into the homogenous mass that is the rest of the world. We refused to stand out, to be different, to do what most people wouldn't dream of doing. Instead we played it safe, chose the easy road; when in doubt, we didn't.

All I have in my cup right now is anger and shame. Oh, and frustration. Lots of that.

For Posterity

Last week was a week of struggle. I wrestled with some things that I needed to see about myself. Some ugly things that did not increase my self esteem.

My fear.

My obsessive need for security and control.

My lukewarm attitude toward God.

And of course, how connected these things are. A leads to B, which leads to C. I had to really face a crossroads: knowing these things about myself, was I going to continue on, giving God my leftovers, or was I going to step out and take a risk for God, do something that demanded a level of faith and trust that I wasn't at all sure I could handle?

Now, normally I cannot spout Bible verses, particularly when I need them, but last week God started throwing verses in my face. So many verses that I started writing them down because they were utterly relevant and I did not want to miss what God was saying to me.  Here's what they said:

"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the Lord Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room for it." Malachi 3:10 (When was the last time you read Malachi? Right. Me too.)

"Blessed is the man

who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked

or stand in the way of sinners

or sit in the seat of mockers.

But his delight is in the law of the Lord,

and on his law he meditates day and night.

He is like a tree planted by streams of water,

which yields its fruit in season

and whose leaf does not wither.

Whatever he does prospers."  Psalm 1:1-3

"Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." James 4:17

"I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you." John 14:18

"Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it." Psalm 127

"If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him?" 1 John 3:17

"I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"Nothing is impossible with God." Luke 1:37

"The Lord will restore the years the locust has eaten" Joel 2:25 (this last one seems to have been specifically designed to counter my fears about coping with a child who has suffered so much loss)

The last piece of the puzzle for me was this blog entry by Shannan Martin, which absolutely laid bare my argument about "not having peace," -- which was really code for: scared to death and looking for an out. If God doesn't speak to us through fear, then all this brouhaha churning around in my soul has only two possible sources: me and my own frail humanity, or the enemy.  Take your pick. I am certainly flawed enough to be entirely at fault, and I am certainly weak enough to be vulnerable to attack. Drat my overactive imagination...my worst-case-scenario-extrapolate-to-doomsday mentality.

My feeling now is that we need to go forward until God stops us. Tonight, Tim and I will hammer this thing out and see if we can reach some kind of consensus. I see so many ways -- opportunities -- to trust God in this: for finances, for travel, for transitions, for parenting skills, for the growth and faith of our current children...it's all just out there, out of our control. If we do this, we will have to rely on Him, because it's totally beyond our experience and expertise to do any of this. We will be living out our trust in God in a visible, tangible way. I think there could be great power in this, for us and more importantly for our kids.

Not to mention the huge difference it would make for one small boy in Chin@.