So I crunched all the numbers and even if I add in what I think my hub's bonus will be this year, we would still come up about 5000 short of being able to complete an adoption. Is this a deal breaker? I'm not sure.
I have, in the past, gotten the odd freelance assignment that brought in 5 grand in one throw, so it's not out of the realm of possibility that I could get one or more projects that would make up the difference needed.
Also, by some smallish miracle, we appear to be about 400 ahead this month, so perhaps with a little focused belt-tightening over the next year, we could just stash that much away.
Or we could just trust God to provide, somehow, through any and all of these means and any other brilliant tricks He might have up His sleeve.
I'm kind of in the "trust God" camp, because all of it is a big "if" and none of it would be in my actual control anyway.
I am so tired of watching children's files get returned because no family could be found for them.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
The Problem Is
We are getting closer to saying the big "Yes" to adoption.
This is not actually the problem.
The problem is, as I look at children, I find myself feeling a kind of low-level distress because the idea of choosing a child, of saying "yes, you," means that I will in turn be saying "Sorry, not you" so someone else. Someone who just as desperately needs a home, a family, a chance.
This is hard.
How can I say, "you I can parent, but you I can't"? What in the world qualifies me to make a decision like that? Nothing, that's what, other than my own very narrow, human view of what I think I can "handle," keeping in mind that I am frequently wrong in this area.
Some things were easy. Deciding to go with a boy instead of a girl was easy. Many, many more girls will be adopted before anyone so much as looks at a boy. Plus, we already have two girls and my son needs some help diluting the Barbie vibe around here.
Deciding on china was easy. I've had a "thing" for china for, like, ever. But I will admit that I can get behind orphans from almost anywhere and if I weren't pretty certain I can only manage one more kid, I'd be like Angelina Jolie, with a ramshackle, multi-colored bus full of kids (or was that the Partridge Family? I forget).
But deciding between two or three kids, weighing their particular merits (say wha?) just feels wrong because they all have exactly the same need and who am I to exclude anyone for whatever trivial reason?
Hard.
This is not actually the problem.
The problem is, as I look at children, I find myself feeling a kind of low-level distress because the idea of choosing a child, of saying "yes, you," means that I will in turn be saying "Sorry, not you" so someone else. Someone who just as desperately needs a home, a family, a chance.
This is hard.
How can I say, "you I can parent, but you I can't"? What in the world qualifies me to make a decision like that? Nothing, that's what, other than my own very narrow, human view of what I think I can "handle," keeping in mind that I am frequently wrong in this area.
Some things were easy. Deciding to go with a boy instead of a girl was easy. Many, many more girls will be adopted before anyone so much as looks at a boy. Plus, we already have two girls and my son needs some help diluting the Barbie vibe around here.
Deciding on china was easy. I've had a "thing" for china for, like, ever. But I will admit that I can get behind orphans from almost anywhere and if I weren't pretty certain I can only manage one more kid, I'd be like Angelina Jolie, with a ramshackle, multi-colored bus full of kids (or was that the Partridge Family? I forget).
But deciding between two or three kids, weighing their particular merits (say wha?) just feels wrong because they all have exactly the same need and who am I to exclude anyone for whatever trivial reason?
Hard.
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