Mama is Sad

She was my best friend for 6 1/2 years. We went through 2 pregnancies together. We learned to be moms together. We called each other often for no other reason than we were needing to chat -- to be ticked at our kids, to bounce weird kid behavior off another person, to complain about laundry, to share what we'd been thinking about.

Suddenly, around Christmastime, she began pulling away. I didn't see it at the time, maybe because I was so busy with holiday activities. First she pulled out of gymnastics, where our girls were studying together. She said her daughter was overwhelmed with activities and needed a free night. That seemed reasonable; I didn't think too much of it. But in January I began to realize that she wasn't calling. I called her the day of the inauguration and then decided to see how long it would be before she called me. Not trying to be petty, just wondering if my impression of distance was legit or if I was having a PMS-induced delusion.

Three weeks later, she called. That seemed like a long time from someone I had talked to 2-3 times a week for the last 6 years. Then, a week ago, we met up accidentally at Little Ninjas, where our sons are learning to break things. She didn't seem thrilled to see me. In fact, as we were getting ready to leave, she met someone she knew, started a conversation, and drifted out of the building. No introductions, no goodbye, just gone.

So, trying to be nonchalant, trying to shake off this confusing behavior, I called her later in the week. I kept it short, fearful of annoying. We talked about 1/2 an hour and things seemed okay. But still, no return phone calls. Then last night, when my husband took our son to Ninjas, she was there and completely blew him off. Smiled at him like he was an importunate stranger and sat alone, reading a magazine.

For 6.5 years she's been my go-to friend. The only one home, like me. The only one with kids exactly the same ages and genders as mine. The only one I could call just to vent when my momming wasn't working. The one I could be really honest with about my fears and frustrations with my kids. I have other friends, but none who seemed to fit so well as she did. It would not be understating things to say that she's been like a sister to me. And I have a sister I'm close to, so I know what I'm talking about.

I have racked my brain trying to think of how I might have offended or angered her and can't come up with anything. I've been myself, like I have been for the last 6.5 years. I know this shut down/shut out behavior is something of a pattern with her. I've seen her do this twice before, but both times to people she hadn't been friends with for very long. And I certainly never thought I'd be on the receiving end.

And now I'm in this very painful position of watching one of my most important, valuable friendships die for no reason that I can discern. I have walked around weeping for 24 hours, struggling to find some measure of peace, struggling to cope with my grief. I think, ultimately, I'm going to have to talk to her about this, if for no other reason than that I need to know what I've done to alientate her. I can't just stand idly by and watch our relationship sink into oblivion. Worse, I can't let it go as though we were never friends at all. Like it was just some casual thing of no importance. I can't just turn off my friendships like that, chuck my loyalty out the window and snap my fingers at the whole thing.

I'm too fragile to deal with it today, and she's leaving on vacation on friday, but I am going to pray about it and try to meet her for coffee in two weeks. I guess if I can't get her to meet me, I'll have my answer.

BOO!

For about a year now, I've been trying to lose 10 pounds. I am not having marked success. This is where I can tell that I am the F-word. My metabolism, it ain't what it used to be. And, let's be honest: this whole mom-gig is not helping matters either.

Back in the day, when I was slim, I often had a bowl of cereal around 5 pm and called it dinner. And then I didn't eat again until morning. The end.

My husband, he of the big dinner plate, was horrified at this behavior. Where was the meat? Where was the salad? The veggies? The potato permutation? What you are doing, woman, cannot be called dinner....get thee behind me, Satan! Blah, blah, blah....

Sometimes I would eat dessert and call that dinner. You know, 5 cookies and a diet Coke or something along those lines. But that was all I ate. I did not eat a 3 course meal and top it off with 5 cookies. That would have made me fat.

And so it has.

Cooking for other people, especially for kids, always means you end up eating more than you need to. With my current metabolism, I could get by on three Ritz crackers and a hardboiled egg. But I don't.

It is abysmally difficult to cut back when you are used to eating a certain amount. And I am more than a little p.o.'d that my best eating years were sandwiched in between bouts of violent morning sickness. What cruel irony that pregnancy, normally a nirvana of eating for most women, was a minefield of nausea and food aversions for me. All three times. All nine (ten) months. It was so bad with my last pregnancy that I only gained 16 pounds, all of which I lost in the first week post partum.....but somehow, 2.5 years later, my butt is still pregnant. Go figure that.

So, my scale ambushed me this morning. I've been working out harder and more often, I am trying to eat sensibly, and this morning I found I have budged not even one pound since last week.

I seriously wonder what would happen if I just had cereal for dinner. Would the kids mutiny and throw their pork chops in the trash? Would my husband turn me in to the dinner police? Can you even go back to how you ate in your 20s and expect it to work? How come Giada De Laurentiis cooks up a storm but doesn't look like Ina Garten?