Where Angels Fear to Tread

There are certain times as a parent when you are confronted with behavior so outside the realm of your experience that your brain becomes temporarily paralyzed. I had one of these moments this morning.

When I took my shower, I made sure all the doors were closed upstairs. I particularly made sure the kids' bathroom door was closed. For good measure, I even turned off the light and the fan.

When I came out of my shower, the kids' bathroom door was open, the light was on, and Maggie was playing in the toilet which someone had forgotten to flush. She was soaked in urine, there were puddles of urine on the floor, a soggy roll of toilet paper was resting next to the toilet, also soaked in pee, and the whole place smelled like a public men's room. There was even pee in the trash can.

Let me hasten to say that while it certainly could have been worse (i.e. poo poo) it was just as certainly bad enough and my brain quite literally seized up with the effort of taking it all in.

Naturally, all of this happened at the precise moment that we needed to load up for the drive to school.

I stripped and washed the baby, redressed her and shepherded all three kids into the van, bravely ignoring the damp pee stains on my jeans in an effort to get child #1 to school on time. When we got home, I quarantined the area and gave it a thorough disinfecting. You may point out to me that urine is sterile. This I will allow, but no one will convince me that there weren't some germ parties happening in that toilet, where far grosser things happen than pee pee. The bathroom is now mopped, wiped and smelling like Lysol. Clothes and rugs are in the wash and my jeans have been swapped for a clean pair. Two things are now clear:

1) I will never know who the true culprit is. I have my suspicions, but no one is fessing up, probably because of the brilliant Demented Harpy impersonation I did earlier. and

2) I may need counseling for post traumatic stress

This is one of the essential functions of children, to open up the world to their parents in mind-blowing ways; ways that simply would not occur to us. Often these are beautiful and touching, but occasionally they're just revolting. I'm hoping since we've got the disgusting out of the way, I'll be due for the other kind of parenting moment fairly soon.

Despite My Best Efforts

Scene: Mom has just returned from preschool conference, where she is all a-glow from the fabulous report she's received on her 4 year old. Said 4 year old is coloring at the table and Mom decides to spread the joy.

M: Grant, I just went to your preschool conference.

G: Why?

M: To hear how you're doing. Miss Cheri says you are an awesome friend and that you share really well.

G: Yeah.

M: I'm really proud of you. It makes Mommy feel really good to know that you're being a good friend and that you are doing such a great job sharing and using your words and asking questions. I think you're an awesome kid. (hugs him)

G: (somewhat muffled) Can I have some money?