Confused

Tried, really tried, to convey how I'm feeling to Tim Friday night, but I'm not sure he really gets it.  I am still being bombarded by the same message over and over again: Trust God. Honestly, I am so bombarded with this theme that I am beginning to feel a little paranoid, so for the record: I hear you, Lord. I do. I am just not sure what you want me to do about it.

What's really stunning to me is that Tim sits through many of the same things and doesn't detect the theme. Until Sunday.  Sunday he really couldn't ignore. Sunday, the pastor (and it's his favorite pastor, the one he truly respects and admires) got up and preached an entire sermon on trusting God -- even if what you're being called to do seems crazy, even if you aren't sure where it will end up. Bonus: the Sunday School lessons we were teaching were also about trusting God.

Now do you see the theme? Oh yes, there it is. Thankyouverymuch.

Still, I am left in limbo. I am just hanging here, wondering what God wants me to do with this. I know we blew it a few weeks ago, I know our inaction was a sin. I know this, like I know my own name. I also know what I think we should do, but my husband doesn't agree.  His take? He says the "sign" that we shouldmove forward would be if the little boy we were considering would appear on the list we were watching again. Again. This is tantamount to a miracle, because once they're gone, that's usually it.  I think maybe if he appeared on any list at all that would qualify, but again, so unlikely as to require divine intervention.

This is where I am murky. Can God do this? Absolutely. Will he? Not sure. I know he is abounding in mercy and slow to anger, but let's face it: we blew it twice on this same issue. How many chances do we get? Do I even dare ask for one more? I asked for a second chance and we got it and failed. Miserably, spectacularly. I am of the opinion that if by some miracle we were afforded a third chance, I would have to push the issue. I think -- and this is really just a hunch -- that Tim is avoiding looking this whole thing in the eye because he really doesn't want to act. He'd rather feign ignorance than commit.

And I am trapped in my grief, my guilt, my two-pronged worry over disobeying God and turning our backs on a child in need. Depraved indifference, I think it's called.

God, we are so pathetic. We are so guilty of promoting our own agendas, of exalting our petty, selfish desires over your greater good. Of substituting the things of the world for the higher things of your kingdom.  I am so sorry, Lord. How aware I am right now of my need for forgiveness, of my essential brokeness. Father, forgive. Father, heal. Father, help. I don't want to fail You again.