Breathe In, Breathe Out

I was so wrong about finality quelling panic. The very finality of the finality induced more panic, but not until 4 a.m., which is when everyone wants to be awake sweating about the massive purchase they've just made and whether or not it was a wise decision.

It's been so long since I've had normal sleep rhythms. I take antihistimines to sleep at night, then drink tons of coffee to wake up in the morning. I either have to drink more coffee to stay awake in the afternoon or succumb to a nap. I am functioning only minimally -- I get the kids dressed and out the door and I am putting meals, however crappy, on the table, and the laundry is done for the week, but that's about it. No cleaning, no packing, no nothing that isn't absolutely critical for our immediate survival. Tim and I have hardly interacted the last month except to distribute child-related tasks or pow-wow about house projects before we take off in opposite directions to do them. I feel exhausted, isolated, mildly crazy and overwhelmed.

This morning at 4, I was lying on the couch downstairs and thinking, endlessly, about how I only have 2 more weeks before this isn't my house anymore -- not really, anyway. Oh sure, I'll still be paying for it but I won't have it wrapped around me like a giant security blanket. Everything about the new house is distorted in my mind, looming out of all proportion.

I have trouble eating, I am not sleeping well at all and I am not really enjoying the things I normally enjoy. Like eating and sleeping. I can't live like this much longer. Tim says that I have to just tell myself that I can't live like this and then STOP. Very handy if there's a little switch marked "FREAK OUT" that I can just turn on and off. I have to think, though, that my body will eventually give it up, that it will finally say "Oh...is this all? This isn't enough to get worked up about" and then I'll be able to roll over and go back to sleep at night.

Maybe, and I say this with as much hope as trepidation, maybe the anticipation is worse than the event. This is often the case with me, getting all het up about something that turns out to be much less heinous than it seemed in my imagination. I am hoping this falls under the same category. I guess I'll know in 2 weeks.