Getting My Head Straight

Trying, really trying, to sort through the stuff in my head regarding adoption.

We have prayed and prayed, we have asked God for the big arrow, the This Way Please sign, the DO THIS NOW pop-up, but nothing is there.

But nothing is NOT there, if you know what I mean.

A friend of my husband's said, "Just go until God stops you. If it's wrong, God will let you know."

This was interesting to me, in the same way that people landing in a spaceship in my front yard would be interesting. Normally, I do not operate like this. My mother instilled in us this principle: When in doubt, DON'T.  And I have lived by it for pretty much ever.

This morning, the thought occurred to me: what if we're not hearing anything definitive from God because He has already spoken? What if God is tapping his fingers on some heavenly table, saying to himself: "When are they going to get it?"  I know I do this with my kids all the time: I say it and it rolls off them like water off a duck's back. Ten minutes later they ask me the same question again and I roll my eyes and say "Hello?" 

Maybe God is waiting for us to get a clue. Maybe this whole thing is such a gigantic yes, that there's really no need for Him to roll out the red carpet and send us an engraved invitation to get our butts in gear.

Check this:

 ³¹ “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. ³² All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. ³³ He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
³⁴ “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. ³⁵ For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, ³⁶ I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
³⁷ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸ When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹ When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
⁴⁰ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
⁴¹ “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. ⁴² For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, ⁴³ I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’
⁴⁴ “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’
⁴⁵ “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’
⁴⁶ “Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.” -- Matthew 25: 31-46

And this:

²² Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. ²³ Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror ²⁴ and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. ²⁵ But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do. ²⁶ Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. ²⁷ Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.   -- James 1:22-27

So maybe the blinding clarity has already been provided. Who is supposed to help the orphan crisis?

We are.

There is absolutely no dodging this.  We are the answer. We are the workers. We are the ones called to do something. And that something is not to sit in front of our TVs  watching  Dancing With the Stars. It's to engage with this problem. Engage with it. Not observe it. Not bemoan it. Not shake our heads about it and turn away with a sigh because it is just so big that what can we do? I'll tell you what we can't do. We can't do nothing.

And I don't think our convenience is an excuse. Jesus didn't say, "You fed me when you had extra money," or "you clothed me when you needed to get rid of all the crap in your basement." He didn't say "Fund your 401K first, then see how things look," or "Do what the Bible says as long as it doesn't interfere with your vacation plans."

Would another child be inconvenient? Heck yes; but keep in mind that the three I have are inconvenient on a daily basis. And this troubles them not at all -- they take it as their God-given right  to have needs and demands that totally interrupt my needs and demands.  And they feel not the tiniest iota of guilt when they a) wake us up too early, b) vomit on the furniture (or car upholstery, or carpeting, or whatever), c) have to be taken to Target at 8:30 p.m (right in the middle of Person of Interest) because they forgot about a project requiring a large piece of posterboard, some Model Magic, and a box of toothpicks.  Believe me, I know from inconvenient.

My biggest fear here is being a role-model. I am very, very leery of this because I know what an epic failure I am at most things. I am purely incapable of keeping my house clean, of being consistent with discipline, of remembering to fill out school paperwork. I get tight when I have to check the online banking statement because WHAT IS MY PASSWORD AGAIN? So I am more than a little fearful of having other people watch me parent an adopted kid and think to themselves -- "wow, she sucks at this!" On the other hand, maybe someone watching would think "If she can do it, I certainly can." I cannot abide scrutiny. Maybe I should just get a sign that says, "Let's Agree I'm No Good at This and Move On." I do not want to be the poster family for international adoption. What if I can't represent?

These are the thoughts that I think may be what James means when he says "keep oneself  from being polluted by the world." These are the things that chip away at my resolve, that wake me up at night. The nasty little thoughts that sneak up on you and simmer away in your head -- "You aren't good enough, you haven't got the mojo for this, you will be forever different, it will ruin your family, God will not provide..." and on and on it goes.

My sister once said, "service requires sacrifice." And this strikes me as very true -- if we only do what is convenient and safe, how are we different than anyone else? "Even the pagans..." Really, the money here is the smallest part of the sacrifice: the real sacrifice is time, and love, and support, and all the things you invest in your kids for the rest of your life because they are yours and you are theirs, you are family. Selah.

Engage with it. Engage. When you engage, you step in. You enter the mess. You connect. You cannot observe and connect at the same time. Observation implies -- demands, even -- a degree of distance. I think we are being called to close the gap. What if we were in the thick of the fight? How would that change us? How will it change the battle when we attach an actual human being to the problem? A person we can touch and smell and invite in and promise to love?

Now I have to go breathe into a paper bag because I have made myself lightheaded.