Q & A

Tim and I are cautiously discussing adoption again...tiptoeing around it, actually. Or at least, I feel like I'm tiptoeing. See, I'm not really what you'd call a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of gal. I'm a planner, to the point of neurosis. So there are, understandably, some issues with adoption that I have trouble with. Like, letting an agency match me with a child.

Kind of basic, that one.

So for me, for my comfort level, I would prefer to look at kids on agency lists and find one whose face or situation "speaks" to me. In theory, I can get behind any child. In practice, I need to feel something for a child before I can commit.

So in the spirit of looking for a child that generates that spark in me, I have been looking at agency listed kids from a couple different places. About a week ago, I found a little boy with Thalassemia. Although he is darling, I initially said "no way -- blood disorders are too scary." But he kept creeping back into my thoughts. So I started researching thalassemia and it began to seem not so scary after all. In fact, it might seem almost doable. No surgery to contend with, no concerns about contagious diseases, no speech therapy (probably). Just monthly transfusions and meds for chelation and a yearly visit to a thalassemia center (there's one about 5 hours away by car). This was seeming like less of a big thing. At least to me.

So last night I casually mentioned him to my husband. Kind of like, "How would you feel about adopting a little boy with thalassemia?" We talked a little about what that was, what the treatment looked like, etc. and just as I was feeling a tad hopeful, he says "I don't think we're up to it."

"Thalassemia?" I said. "Well, maybe you're right -- but it did seem less scary than I expected and --"

"No, adoption. I'm not sure we're really up for adoption."

Huh. Really?

He mentioned that I am sometimes maxed out with the 3 we have. And this is a valid point. But it's the only point he really made --that I occasionally get overloaded with our current children. He didn't mention that I occasionally get overloaded with work, with extended-family obligations, with volunteer tasks at church...I just occasionally get overloaded. True dat.

So I thought it would be useful to give myself a little Q & A, to work through the arguments a bit and see if I'm as deluded as my husband seems to think.

Q: Don't you occasionally get maxed out with 3 kids? Won't a 4th put you over the top?

A: Yes and I don't know. I suspect that almost anything could put me over the top, depending on the day, my level of PMS, how much sleep I've gotten and so on. But consider this: when we had just 2 kids, I occasionally got maxed out. Now with 3 I sometimes get overwhelmed. I think I would almost certainly be overwhelmed with 4, but not every single day. It's a learning curve, and while the learning is happening, things might get a little hairy.

Q: What about the kids' schedules? You complain a lot about them. Won't a 4th child make that even harder?

A: Now this is a valid concern. Kids' activities make me nuts. Part of my overwhelmedness this fall has been adjusting to their increased activities, which have to be sanwiched around school and church. Also we've had weekly allergy shots, and will have until about June of next year. That's a further complicating factor. Having a child who requires a transfusion once a month (which takes the better part of a day to complete) could make things even more complicated. But, it is only one day a month, which right now is less demanding than weekly allergy shots. I'm not really sure about additional activities. That's always going to be a problem for me, no matter how many kids we have. Probably I'm going to have to let go of some expectations in that area in order to manage it without losing my marbles. This might be a good place to mention that I always feel overwhelmed in the fall when we go back to school, so if I said something along the lines of "I can't take it anymore" there is just the teensiest possibility that I might have been overreacting. Maybe.

Q: Do you think you might be minimizing the impact a 4th child might have?

A: Hmmmm. I don't know. I'm usually a worst-case-scenario person. I am very very good at imagining all the possible permutations of a situation and pinpointing the exact spot where our future becomes an untenable misery. So I have considered RAD, undiagnosed special needs, minor attachment issues, language issues, toileting issues, rearranged room situtations for existing kids, impact on finances, including insufficient health benefits, school issues related to absences for transfusions, sleep deprivation and attendant insanity, jet lag, gastrointestinal illness while in Ch*na, plane crashes, mugging prior to making orphanage donation, older children rejecting adopted child, excessive whining, increased furniture needs, feasability of 4 kids sharing bathroom with one sink, ability to get 4th child into preschool of choice, approximate increase in weekly laundry, possible need for psychological counseling due to abandonment issues...

Really I could just keep going here, but I think you get the picture. I'm pretty sure I've thought of it all at least once.

Q: Don't you worry about the money?

A: See previous answer. However, I do worry more than a little about the actual money for the adoption itself. I know we have half of what we need, and no, I am not sure how we're going to come up with the other half. Can I just say, "God will provide?"

Q: That's your answer?

A: Yep.

Q: What's your biggest fear?

A: That I'm not a good enough mother to pull this off. But also, that fear will stop me from doing something really good. That in the end I will chicken out. It is a big, scary step on almost any level you care to examine.

Q: How will you address that?

A: For the mothering part, I'm relying on grace to cover my screw ups (thank you , Jesus!). For the rest of it, I think I could do it if I knew my husband was beside me, willing to step out in faith with me on this.

Q: Seriously, one more kid?

A: I think I have it in me to raise one more. I have thought a lot about this in particular, since I am over the f-word now and not, as they say, any spring chicken. How fair would it be to take in a child when I would be 81 when this child hits 40? All I can say to that is, I'll be 80 when Maggie hits 40, so in for a penny, in for a pound. And when I'm gone, he'll have a brother and two sisters to grieve with. He'll never be alone again.

I've thought also about what it would mean to go thru preschool again, and the first day of kindergarten, and learning to ride a bike, and soccer games and little league. And really, I think it would be okay. More than okay -- kind of nice. Let the record reflect, though, that I think one more is probably my limit.


Q: What did you think of the Mentalist season premiere?

A: They totally ruined all they achieved in the brilliant season finale last year. So disappointing. Apparently they've got 12 year olds writing their scripts now, 'cause that was a total playground "psych!" moment.

Q: Totally.


A: I'd like to say, too, that normally I prefer to throw money at problems. I haven't ever had a big desire to go to Haiti or Africa, but I feel for the people there and am happy to contribute to the various projects our church has sponsored for those countries -- mosquito nets, goats, cement floors, wells, education initiatives, eye exams, etc. I like knowing I helped build a well in Haiti that is providing clean water to some people I will probably never meet, but who needed it very badly. But for some reason, this time money doesn't seem to cut it. I feel like I may need to extend myself in a different way, to risk a lot more than the energy required to write a check. And that scares me, too.


Q: What does this all mean?

A: I'm not really sure. I just don't want to do it alone.