Two Days...

and I am still aching. We had the big adoption talk, and the DH says "I just don't think so" and I am upset.

And if you know me, you will know that the italics indicate massive understatement.

I am feeling lost and drifting and without rudder. I am feeling frustrated and out of synch with my husband, and hurt, because being out of synch is kind of painful, like a pebble in your shoe painful. I have been mad at God these past two days, too. Because WHY God would you lay this on my heart and bring me to a point of submission and then let my husband bring it all to a screeching halt like some kind of cosmic speedbump?

I have tried to push it out of my mind. Tried to sublimate it in business. Tried to sleep it away, sing it away, read it away. But it is not going away.

Then today, I found this (From Jen Hatmaker's blog -- but Blogger won't let me link it):

God doesn't promise us a clean middle part of the story. He never said we wouldn't encounter antagonists and drama and surprise twists and heartbreak. We weren't assured a G-rated plot where good feelings are peddled and no one dies or leaves or fails or waits. God promised things like healing and restoration and redemption. Which implies there will be injuries and broken relationships and losses. When he speaks of beauty from ashes, he seems to know there will be actual ashes to resurrect beauty from.

If you are confused right now, if your story isn't going the way you thought, or if you're tangled up in the messy middle where hope is deferred, dear reader, it could just be that God isn't done yet. Your story is not finished. Every hero and heroine must wade through the conflict to get to the end, and you can trust God because he is good. If you have nothing else to cling to, remember this: God is good. He loves goodness and justice. He heals and redeems. He is on the side of love and beauty. He is for you. He is never against you. You may be against you, other people may be against you, but God is not against you.

It is okay to be confused; I'm afraid that is our lot as finite creatures dealing with an infinite God. Some of God's best heroes were confused in their subplots. But I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on. Because God is good and he is for goodness.

And I am hanging onto it for all I'm worth, because it's all I can do right now.

I am still hurting. I still feel like a fraud making small talk with my husband when I really want to hit him. I still don't understand why.

But somehow I have to hang onto the fact that God is good. Even when I don't feel it, even when I don't see it, even when I almost don't believe it. God is good. God is GOOD.