In Which I am Seriously Hitting the Wall

So frustrated this week.

Kids' activities have me reeling. I need an algorithm to keep their schedules straight. Sheer volume of papers they bring home from school is probably the main reason we are losing the rainforest. I am so stressed, I can't keep it together emotionally. By that, I mean that I am yelling a lot.

Massively over-committed on the work front -- two off-site assignments, a workshop and Sunday School teaching have me feeling panicky and not a little short of breath.

Very very frustrated by the lack of purpose we seem to have. I don't think God put me on this earth to make sure my kids get to gymnastics and football practices. I accept that I am here to make sure they get their allergy shots and make it to the dentist. Tuesdays in particular make me feel like there has to be more to life than this.

And I know that there is, but I am losing sight of it in the midst of all the havoc. I know that I am a person who needs a lot of empty. I need big chunks of unscheduled time or I start to feel fractured.

Fractured, you know, is another word for broken. I'm broken right now.

We were exploring the idea of adopting and right now I feel assailed by messages saying, "yes, you need to do this," and other messages saying "you can't do it -- look at you, you're crumbling as it is." Which one is right? Neither Tim nor I is usually willing to grab the bull by the horns, to take a stand. We both want the other one to shoulder the responsibility, and therefore the blame, for major decisions. This is what happens when no one wants to be the grown up.

I feel positively pummeled.

God, where are you in all of this? 'Cause I gotta say, I'm feeling rather lonely and adrift. Is that my fault? Probably. I can't seem to pray lately. My mind shuts down - totally on purpose - and I can't tell You what I want to. That I want to adopt but I'm scared. That I need Tim to be fully participatory in this or I can't do it. That a nice, extremely bright, neon sign saying "Walk This Way" would really help me right now. That I am tired of driving our spiritual life. That I am afraid my skills as a mom, which are sorely lacking sometimes, are seriously failing the kids I have, let alone any other kid we may take on. That I am lousy at flying blind. That I can't see the forest for the trees -- the bigger picture almost always eludes me, and when I do catch a glimpse of it it's usually a worst-case scenario. That I so desperately need your grace, and I just can't seem to feel it right now. That I am badly in need of a redeemer -- to redeem all my mistakes as a parent, as a wife, as a human being. That I have felt like I am in limbo for about 4 months now, just hanging in and hanging on, but with no sense of any greater purpose or direction.

And if we adopt, what then? What if I still feel this way -- rudderless and blown all over by our schedule? What if we don't adopt and I keep feeling this way? 'Cause it really stinks, this feeling.

"God, you are my God, and I will ever praise you. I will seek you in the morning, I will learn to walk in your ways. Step by step you lead me, and I will follow you all of my days."

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Amen.