Low

I am having another day where I just feel un-moored. Like a boat set adrift. I go through periods like this and I wonder -- what is it about my psychological makeup that predisposes me to sensations like this? I would so like to feel grounded, connected all the time.

It's not exactly depression. In fact, it's definitely not depression. It's just a feeling of ...of I don't know what. Emptiness? That doesn't quite describe it. Drifty-aimless-lack-of-purpose-shaky-oddness. With a dash of I've-lost-my-mojo thrown in for fun and a big spoonful of Nerves just to keep it all interesting.

If this were 100 years ago, I'd just say I had the vapors and go lie down.

And yet, lying down would feel like purgatory. Bleah. What IS it with me? It's not like I have nothing to do. Could it be the let down after the big project I just finished? I mean, as hard a slog as that was, it did give me tremendous focus for about 3 weeks. Focus and a big caffeine hangover.  Now it's gone and there is kind of a vacuum there.  And the change to daylight savings time always makes my brain wonky. So there we have it: a wonky vacuum.

And I wake up praying, "God, I'm such a failure. I have no big job for You, no huge purpose other than to feed my kids and keep my house clean and teach my little Sunday school class. And how often do I fail at those small tasks? A lot. I'm so sorry...so, so sorry."

And so it goes.

How do I just be? How can I just be in Him?  I have always struggled with this. Grace, as a concept, has always been more graspable as an abstract than in practice for me. Always I am looking for the bar, the target, the list of to-dos. I am a master list-executor, with my little pencils and my checkmarks. Show me the little ticky-boxy things and I am all over it. But this isn't a to-do. It's a be. And being is something harder to wrap my head around. The security, the rest, the peace-thing. It's deep.  You know, deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. And I am kind of shallow right now.

Part of my shallow, my lack of "be" right now is that everything frustrates me. Nothing is quite right, everything feels slightly skewed, and I am the only one who can see that the picture is tilted. The only one who hears the wrong notes. And here's what they're telling me -- "there should be MORE here." Something is MISSING. And that does seem to be something about DOING, rather than BEING. And it's certainly not something about having, because more stuff is totally not the answer.

What, God? What am I missing here?