Back the Truck Up

My dad called today to say he was buying plane tickets for us.

For us? I said. For where?

Hawaii.

Um, I thought we hadn't settled on a date for Hawaii...had we?

Well, apparently everyone else had. Now, ordinarily when someone gives you an all-expense paid trip to Hawaii, you gulp dramatically and say, "I'll race you to the airport!" But I am feeling...not quite like that.

I am struggling to lay my finger on how I feel. And let me say right off the bat that this has nothing to do with my parents' generosity and everything to do with my (and my husband's) general approach to life.

See, I am a reactor. I roll along, having a hard time with decisions, until something happens and I react. I spent many years being dragged into things against my will until I learned the power and the beauty of the word "No." And while that has been very freeing, I still often roll along without really deciding in advance where I want to go. Sometimes I am waiting for God to tip His hand, sometimes I am attempting to avoid going off half-cocked (or fully cocked, whatever) before I really know what I'm doing, sometimes I am waiting for my husband to make a decision. This last bit is where I get into trouble.

My hubby is a roller, too. He sometimes waits for me to decide and then events overtake us and we have to react -- react, instead of proact. We are being acted upon, rather than stepping out boldly and decisively, knowing what it is we're aiming for.

So the Hawaii thing overtook us in the midst of waiting -- in this case, waiting for God's will to become crystal clear regarding adoption. Like, engraved-invitation-clear. Or neon-sign-clear. Or walk-this-way-clear, thankyouverymuch Arrowsmith.

The problem is, if we go to Hawaii for 10 days as planned, my hubby will have used up most of his vacation for the year. You know -- the year in which we would possibly, maybe be travelling for an adoption. The year in which two weeks of vacation might be critical. Or not. Remember -- we're still waiting on the not-sure-what-to-do train.

I am tired of being flattened by my life. And even more tired that the good things can flatten me almost as effectively as the bad.