The Problem Is

We are getting closer to saying the big "Yes" to adoption.

This is not actually the problem.

The problem is, as I look at children, I find myself feeling a kind of low-level distress because the idea of choosing a child, of saying "yes, you," means that I will in turn be saying "Sorry, not you" so someone else. Someone who just as desperately needs a home, a family, a chance.

This is hard.

How can I say, "you I can parent, but you I can't"? What in the world qualifies me to make a decision like that? Nothing, that's what, other than my own very narrow, human view of what I think I can "handle," keeping in mind that I am frequently wrong in this area.

Some things were easy. Deciding to go with a boy instead of a girl was easy. Many, many more girls will be adopted before anyone so much as looks at a boy. Plus, we already have two girls and my son needs some help diluting the Barbie vibe around here.

Deciding on china was easy. I've had a "thing" for china for, like, ever. But I will admit that I can get behind orphans from almost anywhere and if I weren't pretty certain I can only manage one more kid, I'd be like Angelina Jolie, with a ramshackle, multi-colored bus full of kids (or was that the Partridge Family? I forget).

But deciding between two or three kids, weighing their particular merits (say wha?) just feels wrong because they all have exactly the same need and who am I to exclude anyone for whatever trivial reason?

Hard.